Deborah Tannen’s article, Sex, Lies, and Conversation presents intriguing arguments regarding the age old question: “Why isn’t he listening?” Through identifying factors of body language, socialization and general tendencies between the sexes, Tannen is able to suggest a multitude of factors that influence the different interpretations of conversation between men and women. Eleanor Macoby, a psychologist at Stanford researched the socialization methods of children and associated the methods with future interpretation. Macoby’s idea stating that the socialization methods of children are extremely influential regarding future communication is paramount to understanding the differences in male to female conversation. Macoby suggests that girls utilize conversation and secrets as the basis for friendship (to show closeness) whereas boys utilize action and the act of doing something together to show closeness.
Wives expect husbands to be like their best friends (girls).
Men’s groups are more hierarchical (wolf) and that may be somewhat of an explanation as to why women feel like men do not listen; listening may make the man feel inferior. Also, because of this hierarchical grouping, men may seem more talkative in public. Men feel as though they must show that they are intelligent and have an understanding of whatever the subject is in order to prove themselves. In the home, men may feel as though there is nothing to prove and are therefore more silent.
Another cause for women to state that men do not listen lies in the general body language of males and females during conversation. Men are more likely to sit at angles and not participate in eye to eye contact (they scan; look around elsewhere) whereas women are more likely to sit face to face and have regular eye contact. Also, men are more likely to jump from topic to topic and women are more likely to converse about a single topic for a prolonged period of time. This particular situation is one I am extremely familiar with; my boyfriend’s mind works a mile and minute and his mouth closely follows. Oftentimes I have to take a moment to realize that he has switched gears and is no longer speaking about the topic at hand, but something completely unrelated (or at least the relation is not quite apparent in my mind most times). Tannen suggests that this is another reason behind women’s belief that men are not listening, however, I have not felt that this phenomenon resulted from my boyfriend not listening to me (especially as I am A.D.D. and may do exactly the same thing at another point in time).
One point Tannen made seemed especially relevant: that boys tend to dismiss problems (to each other) while girls express understanding and oftentimes agreement. I enjoyed the suggestion that women must express directly these feelings while men tend to imply these feelings through dismissing statements. This follows men’s idea of pointing out the opposing side of an idea as a duty whereas women tend to express agreement (as a duty). I feel that this may have relevance, although I cannot at the moment picture an exemplary situation. Although! I can picture many a scenario that supports Walter Ong’s claim that men see conversation as a sort of competitive debate: I know a number of men (friends, acquaintances and my boyfriend) who seem more adept and willing to turn a simple conversation into a debate of opinions and ideas. This article presents numerous suggestions behind the differences in male/female communication and interpretation. I believe she hit upon the most influential factors and I look forward to watching for certain signs that she mentioned; perhaps it will aid me in my own communication with the opposite sex!
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